Erica came into this world just one week early, but the toil that MY diabetes took on her little body was unfair. Erica's blood sugars were extremely low, which I was told is not uncommon in children of diabetics. As another side effect, her lungs were not developed as they should have been, they lacked the surfactant necessary for her to breathe properly. They told me that she was healthy, but because of the surgery I could not see her or touch her. My first sight of my child was a photograph that the NICU nurses took of her. My image of my daughter in what felt like the fight for her life was a picture of her in nothing but a diaper with IV's, oxygen in her nose, and all kinds of cords coming from everywhere.
Everyone left the hospital. Why stay? There was no baby to hold, no joy in that room. Only a hysterical, hyperventilating mother. I was distraught and now abandoned. My husband was present, but he was just as shocked and helpless as me. My Obstetrician was at a loss as I had kept my sugars in check throughout my entire pregnancy.
Later that evening, the nurses secretly wheeled my hospital bed into the NICU so that I could see her. The next day when I was up and could get in a wheel chair, I was free to see her whenever I wanted, but I wasn't allowed to talk to her or rub her little feet for fear that it would stimulate her breathing and cause her distress. Day by day, she grew stronger and after a week I was able to hold her in my arms for the first time. I was able to feed my child. I was joyful to hold this little tiny human that came from me, but we were never officially introduced.
We are released together. She comes to live in my home. I take care of her everyday. Everything seemed normal. Everything was normal, everything except me. I loved both of my daughters. I was unaware that anything was wrong.
On Erica's first birthday, everyone had been asking to see her scrapbook (which was something that I enjoyed doing). I was embarrassed to admit that I hadn't even started it. As a matter of fact, I realized that with the exception of the photos handed to me by the nurses just hours after she was born, I had not seen 1 picture of her from the day she was born.
My sister sent me an email with a photo that sent shock waves through me.
When I saw this picture, I immediately began crying. I realized that I had been living everyday of my life without letting myself get close to this beautiful, sweet, smart, and discerningly funny little girl. I had done her a great injustice. I vowed, if only to myself, to never hold her at arms length again.
It's hard to believe that it has been 3 years. It's hard to believe that this same little girl that I was not allowed to touch has touched my heart in ways that I can not explain. She makes me want to be a better person. Someone of whom she can be proud.
Happy Birthday, Erica Bearica Boo!
