3 Years in a Minute

July 9, 2007. At approximately 9:30 AM. I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl via C-section. Erica Summer Mowry. They took my baby girl to clean her like they do every baby. Strapped to the gurney, I tried to crane my neck to see her. I couldn't. I nervously waited for the cry. You know, the one that tells you, your baby girl is alive and well. It felt like minutes, but it was probably just a few seconds when I finally said "Jim, is she ok?" "They're just working on her, babe", he replied. Then finally...a whimper, not the scream that you hope for, but a whimper to let her momma know that she was there and not giving up. They rushed her off to the baby nursery, I thought to clean her. I found out later that they were placing her in the NICU.

Erica came into this world just one week early, but the toil that MY diabetes took on her little body was unfair. Erica's blood sugars were extremely low, which I was told is not uncommon in children of diabetics. As another side effect, her lungs were not developed as they should have been, they lacked the surfactant necessary for her to breathe properly. They told me that she was healthy, but because of the surgery I could not see her or touch her. My first sight of my child was a photograph that the NICU nurses took of her. My image of my daughter in what felt like the fight for her life was a picture of her in nothing but a diaper with IV's, oxygen in her nose, and all kinds of cords coming from everywhere.

Everyone left the hospital. Why stay? There was no baby to hold, no joy in that room. Only a hysterical, hyperventilating mother. I was distraught and now abandoned. My husband was present, but he was just as shocked and helpless as me. My Obstetrician was at a loss as I had kept my sugars in check throughout my entire pregnancy.

Later that evening, the nurses secretly wheeled my hospital bed into the NICU so that I could see her. The next day when I was up and could get in a wheel chair, I was free to see her whenever I wanted, but I wasn't allowed to talk to her or rub her little feet for fear that it would stimulate her breathing and cause her distress. Day by day, she grew stronger and after a week I was able to hold her in my arms for the first time. I was able to feed my child. I was joyful to hold this little tiny human that came from me, but we were never officially introduced.

We are released together. She comes to live in my home. I take care of her everyday. Everything seemed normal. Everything was normal, everything except me. I loved both of my daughters. I was unaware that anything was wrong.

On Erica's first birthday, everyone had been asking to see her scrapbook (which was something that I enjoyed doing). I was embarrassed to admit that I hadn't even started it. As a matter of fact, I realized that with the exception of the photos handed to me by the nurses just hours after she was born, I had not seen 1 picture of her from the day she was born.

My sister sent me an email with a photo that sent shock waves through me.



When I saw this picture, I immediately began crying. I realized that I had been living everyday of my life without letting myself get close to this beautiful, sweet, smart, and discerningly funny little girl. I had done her a great injustice. I vowed, if only to myself, to never hold her at arms length again.

It's hard to believe that it has been 3 years. It's hard to believe that this same little girl that I was not allowed to touch has touched my heart in ways that I can not explain. She makes me want to be a better person. Someone of whom she can be proud.

Happy Birthday, Erica Bearica Boo!

meh

Apparently this is the new catch phrase for 2010. It doesn't stand for anything, it's just a feeling.

My husband lost his new job today. You know, the one he got to replace the one he was fired from the week before Christmas? Since I am in my new and unfortunate "bread winner" status, he stayed home with a sick kid today, but when he called his job to talk to his boss he was informed that they lost their contract and after tomorrow no more work for at least 30 days and maybe never. His boss said that he guessed he could refer to it as "laid off"...I refer to it as "ROYALLY SCREWED". When he called me at work to tell me all I could think was "meh." I was not even passionate enough about it to capatalize it or even spend too much time in thought about it.

Jim will come through with work, he always does, so that's not the issue.

It's just this general feeling.

Looked forward to watching the new and FINAL season of Lost and either I wasn't paying attention or meh.

New Beginnings

A new year + a new decade + a new house = a new beginning/happiness.

Math was never a strong subject for me, but it is absolute. 2 + 2 will always equal 4. There is something comforting and finite about that, but for me it just does not compute. In grade school I was fantastic at Math. Junior high brought about more than social awkwardness and ridicule, it came with a particularly evil demonic presence known as Algebra. Some people will laugh at this and state that Algebra is just the bottom rung of mathematics, just the foundation of true scientific thought. To them I say, "Huh? I don't have time for this, Betty White is out there right now making some particularly slight, perversive comment that will both shock and amuse...I have no time for scientific thought."

The creative mind is a funny thing. People who live on a "scientific" intellectual plane tend to look down on those of us with more creative aspirations. This is as big a mistake as judging a book by it's cover. Not to pat myself on the back (believe me, that type of flexibility went out the window pounds ago), but I consider myself a fairly intelligent person. People who know me have gone a step further to say that I am an extremely intelligent person, but I do have a tendency to align myself with morons (you have no idea who you are), so that in itself might be explained. It takes a lot of forethought and creative energy to be funny. It also takes a lot of guts. It's a path that you do not tread lightly. I have never been one for hiking, so that explains why I have mostly ignored the trail.

The path that I have taken in life is closer to that of the moving walkway in Las Vegas. You have the same destination as those who choose to walk to the MGM Grand themselves, but you lose all opportunity to stray from the path. It's good in a way that it keeps you focused and if you are on a deadline or easily distractable you're likely to make it on time, but you lose all the joy and the fresh air. You lose all the life. The two worst things about the moving walkway, everyone goes the same speed and you lose all opportunity to stray from the path.

The speed thing is really only an issue for the people who are smart enough to think about it. If everyone goes the same speed then whoever got on first continues to be ahead. Now there are those people who get on and then speed walk past everyone riding along, knocking down both them and their packages, but let's be clear...those people are assholes. They are also ra-tards. They are driven enough to take a direct path, but not human enough to care.

Losing all opportunity to stray from the path is the consequence of your factual laziness to ride the damn thing in the first place. I can say this because I took this route. I can say that because I have ridden that path for years and have always been able to conveniently say that I would like to write, or be a comedian, or be anything other that what I am now, but...

So Pee Wee Herman shout out....Let's talk about my big but.

It has been many things over the years and frankly to mention them makes me reconsider them, so I will continue to leave those demons buried where they lie.

I have tried to figure out why my equation above should make sense, but I can never get the happiness part under wraps. Thanks to a great friend for showing me that I consistently leave myself out of the equation and in doing so I can never achieve what is finite and absolute. I have reached the end of the walkway, I now know that it is not for me. I am forging my own path and the view is fantastic...Viva Las Vegas!!!